Leilani M Norman

Tag: relationships

  • You Don’t Have to Wait for the Anxiety to Go Away

    You Don’t Have to Wait for the Anxiety to Go Away

    If you’ve ever over-analyzed a text, held back something vulnerable, or convinced yourself your partner was pulling away — you’re not alone. Relationship anxiety is incredibly common. But here’s the thing:

    The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety. It’s to stop letting it drive.

    Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers six practical skills to help you notice anxious thoughts, accept difficult feelings, and still act like the partner you want to be.

    The 6 Core Skills

    1. Mindfulness — Stay Present
    Anxiety lives in the past or future. When it spikes, pause, take 3 slow breaths, and notice what’s around you right now. Before speaking in a tense moment, try asking: “Why am I talking?” — it creates space to respond rather than react.

    2. Acceptance — Let Feelings Be There
    Fighting anxiety makes it stronger. Instead, name it: “I notice I feel nervous.” Remind yourself — feelings are temporary. They don’t define you or your relationship.

    3. Cognitive Defusion — Thoughts Aren’t Facts
    Add “I’m having the thought that…” before any worry. Instead of “my partner doesn’t care,” it becomes “I’m having the thought that my partner doesn’t care.” Suddenly there’s distance — and room to breathe.

    4. Self-as-Context — You Are More Than Your Anxiety
    Anxiety can feel like your entire identity — especially in relationships. But you are not your thoughts or feelings. You are the observer of them. No matter what anxiety whispers about you, there is a steady, stable “you” beneath it all — one that is not defined or threatened by anxious thoughts. That grounded self is always available to you.

    5. Values Clarification — Know What Matters
    Ask yourself: “What kind of partner do I want to be?” Honest? Compassionate? Attentive? Write down 2–3 values and let them guide your actions when anxiety gets loud. It can help to identify values by starting with “being”, as in “being a non-judgmental listener).

    6. Committed Action — Do It Anyway
    Share a feeling even if your voice shakes. Plan quality time despite your doubts. Express a need calmly. Confidence grows not by waiting for anxiety to leave — but by showing up anyway.

    Daily Practice

    Notice anxious thoughts → Accept the feeling → Remember your stable self → Identify a relationship value → Take one small action aligned with it.

    “Confidence grows not when anxiety disappears, but when you act in line with your values despite it.”

  • Time is Not Guaranteed

    Time is Not Guaranteed

    This line points to a quiet but persistent illusion: that the important conversations, repairs, and risks can always wait. We assume there will be a better moment—when conflict eases, schedules open, or certainty arrives. Rooted in Buddhist reflections on impermanence, the quote is not meant to create panic but clarity. When we remember that time is not guaranteed, what truly matters tends to surface.

    In practice, the belief that “there’s still time” often protects us from discomfort. We delay apologies, postpone care, and defer honest expression. Yet avoidance compounds distance. Living with the awareness that time is finite is not about urgency; it is about presence. It asks us to choose deliberately—speak directly, repair sooner, and act in alignment with what matters while the opportunity is still here.

    “Cloud Farm” copyright Leilani Norman

  • When Caregiving is Complicated

    When Caregiving is Complicated

    Caregiving is often talked about as an act of love or devotion. For many people, especially those caring for aging parents while also working or raising children, it’s a demanding but meaningful role. But for some caregivers, there’s an added layer that rarely gets named: caring for a parent who caused harm in childhood. In these cases, caregiving can stir up old wounds alongside the everyday stress of managing appointments, medications, and finances.

    Research over the past several years has shown that adult children who experienced abuse or neglect growing up often face unique emotional challenges when they become caregivers. Many report feeling trapped by a sense of obligation, even when the relationship has not felt safe or nurturing. Others struggle to set boundaries, fearing guilt or judgment if they limit contact or emotional involvement. These internal conflicts can make caregiving feel especially heavy and isolating.

    Studies also show clear mental health effects. Caregivers looking after parents who were abusive tend to report higher levels of depression and lower overall life satisfaction than caregivers without that history. Feeling emotionally distant from the parent is common—and while outsiders may see this as a problem, it often reflects self-protection. Research suggests that caregivers with greater self-acceptance and self-respect are somewhat protected from the worst emotional effects, even when the relationship remains strained.

    This matters because caregiving is incredibly common. More than 60 million Americans provide unpaid care to family members, friends, or chosen family. While support services such as respite care or caregiver groups exist, many people can’t access them due to time constraints, cost, or lack of awareness. For caregivers with trauma histories, support that ignores past harm can feel invalidating or even harmful, leaving them less likely to seek help at all.

    The takeaway is simple but important: caregiving is not a one-size-fits-all experience. For some people, providing care does not mean emotional closeness, forgiveness, or reconciliation. Trauma-informed support recognizes that caregivers can act responsibly and compassionately without sacrificing their own well-being. Naming this complexity matters. When caregiving support —whether from therapists, healthcare providers, or community programs— acknowledges trauma history, caregivers are more likely to feel less alone, less ashamed, and more entitled to care for themselves alongside the people they support.

    Sources informing this post include: Kong (2015, 2018); Kong & Moorman (2015); Kong et al. (2021, 2022); Goldberg & Kong (2022); AARP & National Alliance for Caregiving (2025).

  • Help for Caregiver Burnout

    Help for Caregiver Burnout

    ACT  for Caregivers

    Caring for someone you love can be meaningful—and also emotionally demanding. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an evidence-based approach that helps caregivers respond to stress with greater flexibility, compassion, and clarity, while staying connected to what matters most.

    ACT focuses on building psychological flexibility: the ability to stay present, open, and engaged in life—even when things are difficult.

    The Six Core Skills of ACT

    1. Acceptance

    Making room for difficult thoughts and feelings

    Acceptance means allowing uncomfortable emotions (such as guilt, grief, anger, or exhaustion) to be present without fighting or judging them.

    Try this:
    When a difficult feeling shows up, pause and say silently:
    “This is hard—and I can allow it to be here for now.”
    Notice where the feeling shows up in your body and take 3 slow breaths.

    2. Cognitive Defusion

    Creating space from unhelpful thoughts

    Thoughts are not facts. Cognitive defusion helps you step back from distressing thoughts so they don’t run your life.

    Try this:
    When a painful thought appears, add the phrase:
    “I’m noticing my mind is telling me…”
    Repeat it slowly and observe how the thought feels less overwhelming.

    3. Being Present

    Coming back to the moment you’re in

    Being present means gently returning your attention to what’s happening right now, rather than getting pulled into worries or regrets.

    Try this:
    Name 3 things you can see, 2 things you can hear, and 1 thing you can feel in your body.
    No need to change anything—just notice.

    4. Self-as-Context

    You are more than your role or your struggles

    You are not just “the caregiver” or “the overwhelmed one.” You are the observer of your experiences—not defined by them.

    Try this:
    Silently complete this sentence:
    “I notice that I am having the experience of…”
    This reminds you that there is a part of you that can step back and observe.

    5. Values

    Clarifying what truly matters to you

    Values are qualities of living that guide how you want to show up—especially during hard times.

    Examples: compassion, presence, patience, connection, balance.

    Try this:
    Ask yourself:
    “In this situation, what kind of person do I want to be?”
    Write down one value that feels important right now.

    6. Committed Action

    Taking small steps aligned with your values

    Committed action means choosing doable actions that reflect your values—even when energy or motivation is low.

    Try this:
    Choose one small action you can take this week that aligns with a value you named (e.g., a 5-minute walk, asking for help, a moment of rest).

    A Gentle Reminder

    ACT doesn’t aim to remove stress or pain—it helps you change how you relate to them. You don’t need to feel better to live meaningfully. Small, values-based steps matter. You can care deeply—and still care for yourself.