Leilani M Norman

Tag: grief

  • Disenfranchised Grief (Part 2) The Loss of Friends 

    Disenfranchised Grief (Part 2) The Loss of Friends 

    Today I am missing my longtime friend who died of ovarian cancer this year. The pain of this loss prompted me to write this post to share some of the information that I have gained. I hope it is helpful for you or someone you know.

    Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not acknowledged, supported, or socially validated. It occurs when a person experiences a significant loss, but others minimize it, judge it, or view it as less legitimate. As a result, the grieving person may feel isolated, misunderstood, or unable to openly mourn. While this type of grief is often discussed in relation to losses such as an elderly parent, an ex-partner, or a miscarriage, it also commonly arises after the death of a close friend.

    Friendships are often chosen family, yet their loss is frequently overlooked. Society tends to reserve public rituals, extended support, and long-term compassion for grief tied to kinship or romantic partnership. When a friend dies, the bereaved may feel pressure to downplay their pain, question the legitimacy of their grief, or mourn privately. This lack of recognition can make the loss feel invisible, compounding the emotional impact.

    The death of a close friend can be deeply destabilizing, particularly in adulthood, when friendships often serve as primary sources of emotional intimacy, identity affirmation, and daily support. Friends witness major life transitions, hold shared histories, and often know parts of us that even family members do not. When a friend dies, the loss can disrupt routines, social networks, and one’s sense of continuity. Yet because the relationship is not legally or biologically defined, grief may be dismissed with phrases such as “at least it wasn’t family” or “you’ll always have the memories,” unintentionally minimizing the depth of attachment and loss.

    The loss of friendship can also carry a unique loneliness. Unlike family loss, there may be no formal role for the bereaved friend in funerals, decision-making, or mourning rituals. The griever may feel excluded from services or unsure of where they belong. This is especially true when the deceased friend’s family does not fully recognize the closeness of the relationship, or when the friendship existed outside socially visible norms. The absence of communal acknowledgment can intensify grief and complicate the healing process.

    The loss of a friend may also prompt identity shifts and existential reflection. Friends often anchor us to particular versions of ourselves—who we were at certain stages of life, shared dreams, or mutual understandings of the world. When that person is gone, the bereaved may feel disoriented, questioning who they are without the relationship. This can be especially pronounced when the friend was a primary confidant, a sobriety partner, a co-parenting ally, or a key emotional support.

    Research supports the complexity of grief following the loss of a close friend. In their article, “Losing a Part of Yourself’: How women grieve their close friend’s death,” Sauber and O’Brien (2025) examined how attachment styles influence both prolonged grief and posttraumatic growth. They found that attachment-related anxiety and avoidance shaped how individuals coped with loss through perceived social support and coping strategies. Certain coping styles—particularly avoidant emotional coping and problem-focused coping—played a significant role in shaping grief outcomes. These findings highlight how relational patterns and emotional regulation strategies influence not only the intensity of grief, but also the potential for growth following loss.

    As with other forms of disenfranchised grief, social validation plays a critical role in healing. Without acknowledgment, grief may become internalized, delayed, or complicated. Recognizing the legitimacy of friendship loss challenges the unspoken hierarchy of grief that places family relationships above all others. Acknowledging that love, attachment, and meaning are not limited to blood or legal ties allows grief to be held with compassion rather than comparison.

    Supportive responses to someone grieving a friend mirror those offered for other significant losses. Rather than minimizing the relationship, it is helpful to acknowledge its importance and invite remembrance. Simple statements such as “Your friendship clearly mattered deeply” or “Tell me about your friend” can open space for the bereaved to share their story. Presence, curiosity, and continued support over time communicate that their grief is real and worthy of care.

    Expressive writing can also support healing after the loss of a friend. Writing a letter to a deceased friend may help the bereaved express unfinished conversations, gratitude, anger, or longing. This type of journaling allows emotions to surface without concern for grammar, structure, or judgment. Revisiting meaningful passages later—perhaps in a journal or therapeutic setting—can help integrate the loss into one’s ongoing life narrative.

    In addition to writing letters to a deceased friend, What’s Your Grief offers another meaningful variation: writing a letter from the loved one who has died. This exercise invites the bereaved to imagine what their friend might say to them now, drawing on shared values, remembered wisdom, humor, and relational patterns. It can be especially helpful during moments of longing or uncertainty, such as when facing a life decision and wishing for that person’s guidance. Writing a letter from a friend to oneself can illuminate internalized support, foster self-compassion, and strengthen continuing bonds. Rather than denying the reality of the loss, the exercise honors the ongoing internal relationship while acknowledging the pain of absence.

    When supported by a grief-informed and empathetic professional, expressive writing and letter-based interventions can provide a compassionate container for mourning a relationship that mattered deeply—even if the world did not fully see it.

    References

    Sauber, E. W., & O’Brien, K. M. (2025). “Losing a part of yourself”: How women grieve their close friend’s death. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying.

    What’s Your Grief. (n.d.). To me, from you: Writing letters from those we’ve lost. https://whatsyourgrief.com/to-me-from-you-writing-letters-from-those-weve-lost/

  • Disenfranchised Grief

    Disenfranchised Grief

    Disenfranchised grief is not acknowledged, supported, or socially validated. It can occur when a person experiences a significant loss, but others minimize it, judge it, or view it as less legitimate. As a result, the grieving person may feel isolated, misunderstood, or unable to openly mourn. Examples include losses that society considers “less serious” (such as the death of an elderly parent, an ex-partner, a pet, or a miscarriage), or situations where the mourner’s relationship to the deceased is not recognized, as in same-sex relationships.

    The death of an elderly parent often impacts older adult children. Even expected losses can carry significant emotional weight. Society often minimizes this grief, viewing it as a natural event. Adult children may face psychological shifts, confront their own aging, and reassess priorities and relationships. Loss can alter family dynamics, leading to feelings of responsibility for traditions and cohesion. When older adults witness their parents’ gradual decline before death, intense feelings of sadness, loneliness, and disorientation often arise, sometimes mixed with relief from caregiving burdens, leading to guilt. Grief affects identity, as losing a parent can feel like losing a central anchor. Despite these struggles, some individuals find opportunities for personal growth and meaning, though this requires social validation and support, which may be insufficient.

    Bethany Morgan Brett notes that societal attitudes toward grief vary based on the age of the deceased. After the death of an older person, people often use clichés like “they had a long life” to suggest a sense of closure due to the “timeliness” of the death. The death of an older parent is seen as a normative life event, which can lead to the grief experienced being minimized or overlooked. This reflects a hierarchical view of grief, where the loss of a child is generally perceived as more tragic than the loss of an elderly parent. Such views can hinder the acknowledgment and processing of deeper emotions associated with the loss.

    The excellent grief support website, “What’s Your Grief,” suggests that it’s important to recognize that when comforting someone whose parent has died, you can’t “fix” their situation. Instead of trying to console them, focus on acknowledging their pain, being present with them, remembering their loved one, and showing support both in the immediate aftermath and over the long term. One way to talk about a parent’s death is to say, “Please tell me about your parent”, which opens a more personal conversation, allowing the bereaved to share their thoughts and feelings. Check out their article, “What to say to someone whose mother died or father died”, linked below.

    Writing a letter to the departed may help the bereaved express feelings about loss. Expressive writing is an approach to loss that supports healing. Sitting down to write this letter to a loved one begins by letting go of any concerns about spelling or grammar, word choice (curse words are allowed!), or worries about anyone reading or critiquing the document. One can simply start writing and not stop until it feels complete. A second step could be to read the letter and transfer significant passages to another document, such as a journal. This process can be included in psychotherapy when an empathetic and grief-informed professional provides caring treatment for loss.

    References

    What’s Your Grief. (2021, March 26). What to say to someone whose mother died or father died. https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-to-say-to-somone-whose-mother-died-or-father-died/

    Morgan Brett, B. (2023). The loss of parents in later life. In The Child–Parent Caregiving Relationship in Later Life: Psychosocial Experiences (pp. 97–111). Policy Press. https://doi.org/10.46692/9781447319702.007

  • The End of Caregiving

    The End of Caregiving

    A study of dementia caregivers revealed that those who were prepared for the death of their person with dementia (PWD) had better bereavement outcomes than those who were not. The study identified several themes that contributed to poor grief outcomes, such as the perception of the dying process as traumatic or unexpected; traumatic loss of the caregiver role and accompanying loneliness; and perceived unavailability of support, either pre- or post-loss (Supiano et al., 2022).

    While the majority of bereaved dementia family caregivers emerge after loss through largely positive and adaptive grief processes and resume previous levels of function after the death of their PWD, an estimated 9-25% experience complicated grief (CG), which increases with age and is associated with worse biopsychosocial outcomes for the griever (Supiano et al., 2022). CG is “characterized by yearning for the deceased, intrusive thoughts of the person who died, unrelenting sorrow, withdrawal from previous social relationships, difficulty accepting the death, and a sense that life is without purpose” (Supiano et al., 2022, p. 369). 

    Caregivers of PWD face increased poor outcomes because their care recipients are more likely to experience distressing events that may lead to poorer quality of life, earlier institutionalization, more hospitalizations, and risk of elder abuse (Young et al., 2023).

    Non-White caregivers tend to provide care for a longer duration, requiring more time-intensive care, engaging fewer formal support services than their White contemporaries. Non-White caregivers are more likely to face negatively biased interactions with health care services on behalf of their care recipients (Young et al., 2023)

    What can caregivers do to prepare?

    A combination of family and community support can ease caregivers’ transition to life after the passing of their loved one. Spiritual and religious communities offer fellowship and understanding from those who have walked this path before.

    Hospice care provides support for caregivers and family/friends of the terminally ill. Many people wait longer than they have to before requesting these wonderful services. According to Barbara Karnes, RN and end-of-life educator, “Hospice helps these patients live as comfortably as possible with the understanding that they won’t be cured. Hospice also provides reassurance and practical assistance to families of the patients.” Karnes’ blog offers practical and warm end-of-life education.

    Thanks for reading,
    Leilani

    References:

    Supiano, K. P., Luptak, M., Andersen, T., Beynon, C., Iacob, E., & Wong, B. (2022). If we knew then what we know now: The preparedness experience of pre-loss and post-loss dementia caregivers. Death Studies, 46(2), 369–380. https://doi-org.library.capella.edu/10.1080/07481187.2020.1731014

    Young, K. M., Young, T. D., & Young, K. (2023). Caring for the caregiver in dementia. The Journal of Family Practice, 72(5), 215–219. https://doi.org/10.12788/jfp.0606

  • Mother’s Day Thoughts

    Mother’s Day Thoughts

    To all mothers and mothers in spirit, thank you for the love you’ve given and the efforts you’ve made for those you love.

    This day can be difficult for those of us who have lost mothers and children. Loss comes in many forms, including death, at different times in our lives.

    I recently started writing letters to some people who have passed, or are no longer in touch. It is a way to address any ambivalence or regrets and eventually release those feelings and thoughts. It can be an opportunity to seek a new inner relationship with a loved one, which helps us find renewal in our relationships with others and the outer world.

    My favorite grief site, What’s Your Grief, offers support and reflection for those who are feeling loss today.

    Thanks for reading,
    Leilani