Disenfranchised grief is not acknowledged, supported, or socially validated. It can occur when a person experiences a significant loss, but others minimize it, judge it, or view it as less legitimate. As a result, the grieving person may feel isolated, misunderstood, or unable to openly mourn. Examples include losses that society considers “less serious” (such as the death of an elderly parent, an ex-partner, a pet, or a miscarriage), or situations where the mourner’s relationship to the deceased is not recognized, as in same-sex relationships.
The death of an elderly parent often impacts older adult children. Even expected losses can carry significant emotional weight. Society often minimizes this grief, viewing it as a natural event. Adult children may face psychological shifts, confront their own aging, and reassess priorities and relationships. Loss can alter family dynamics, leading to feelings of responsibility for traditions and cohesion. When older adults witness their parents’ gradual decline before death, intense feelings of sadness, loneliness, and disorientation often arise, sometimes mixed with relief from caregiving burdens, leading to guilt. Grief affects identity, as losing a parent can feel like losing a central anchor. Despite these struggles, some individuals find opportunities for personal growth and meaning, though this requires social validation and support, which may be insufficient.
Bethany Morgan Brett notes that societal attitudes toward grief vary based on the age of the deceased. After the death of an older person, people often use clichés like “they had a long life” to suggest a sense of closure due to the “timeliness” of the death. The death of an older parent is seen as a normative life event, which can lead to the grief experienced being minimized or overlooked. This reflects a hierarchical view of grief, where the loss of a child is generally perceived as more tragic than the loss of an elderly parent. Such views can hinder the acknowledgment and processing of deeper emotions associated with the loss.
The excellent grief support website, “What’s Your Grief,” suggests that it’s important to recognize that when comforting someone whose parent has died, you can’t “fix” their situation. Instead of trying to console them, focus on acknowledging their pain, being present with them, remembering their loved one, and showing support both in the immediate aftermath and over the long term. One way to talk about a parent’s death is to say, “Please tell me about your parent”, which opens a more personal conversation, allowing the bereaved to share their thoughts and feelings. Check out their article, “What to say to someone whose mother died or father died”, linked below.
Writing a letter to the departed may help the bereaved express feelings about loss. Expressive writing is an approach to loss that supports healing. Sitting down to write this letter to a loved one begins by letting go of any concerns about spelling or grammar, word choice (curse words are allowed!), or worries about anyone reading or critiquing the document. One can simply start writing and not stop until it feels complete. A second step could be to read the letter and transfer significant passages to another document, such as a journal. This process can be included in psychotherapy when an empathetic and grief-informed professional provides caring treatment for loss.
References
What’s Your Grief. (2021, March 26). What to say to someone whose mother died or father died. https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-to-say-to-somone-whose-mother-died-or-father-died/
Morgan Brett, B. (2023). The loss of parents in later life. In The Child–Parent Caregiving Relationship in Later Life: Psychosocial Experiences (pp. 97–111). Policy Press. https://doi.org/10.46692/9781447319702.007
Leilani M Norman 