Caregiving is often talked about as an act of love or devotion. For many people, especially those caring for aging parents while also working or raising children, it’s a demanding but meaningful role. But for some caregivers, there’s an added layer that rarely gets named: caring for a parent who caused harm in childhood. In these cases, caregiving can stir up old wounds alongside the everyday stress of managing appointments, medications, and finances.
Research over the past several years has shown that adult children who experienced abuse or neglect growing up often face unique emotional challenges when they become caregivers. Many report feeling trapped by a sense of obligation, even when the relationship has not felt safe or nurturing. Others struggle to set boundaries, fearing guilt or judgment if they limit contact or emotional involvement. These internal conflicts can make caregiving feel especially heavy and isolating.
Studies also show clear mental health effects. Caregivers looking after parents who were abusive tend to report higher levels of depression and lower overall life satisfaction than caregivers without that history. Feeling emotionally distant from the parent is common—and while outsiders may see this as a problem, it often reflects self-protection. Research suggests that caregivers with greater self-acceptance and self-respect are somewhat protected from the worst emotional effects, even when the relationship remains strained.
This matters because caregiving is incredibly common. More than 60 million Americans provide unpaid care to family members, friends, or chosen family. While support services such as respite care or caregiver groups exist, many people can’t access them due to time constraints, cost, or lack of awareness. For caregivers with trauma histories, support that ignores past harm can feel invalidating or even harmful, leaving them less likely to seek help at all.
The takeaway is simple but important: caregiving is not a one-size-fits-all experience. For some people, providing care does not mean emotional closeness, forgiveness, or reconciliation. Trauma-informed support recognizes that caregivers can act responsibly and compassionately without sacrificing their own well-being. Naming this complexity matters. When caregiving support —whether from therapists, healthcare providers, or community programs— acknowledges trauma history, caregivers are more likely to feel less alone, less ashamed, and more entitled to care for themselves alongside the people they support.
Sources informing this post include: Kong (2015, 2018); Kong & Moorman (2015); Kong et al. (2021, 2022); Goldberg & Kong (2022); AARP & National Alliance for Caregiving (2025).
Leilani M Norman 